


Downsizing

by Linedragon (Sameshima_Shuzumi)



Category: NCIS
Genre: (implied) - Freeform, (that wasn't even a tag at time of posting), American Politics, Barter Economy, Civil Disobedience, Construction, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Direct Action, Economics, Gen, Government Agencies, Literal Sleeping Together, Medical insurance, Multi, Orgy, Papa Bear Jethro Gibbs, Recession, Sleeping Bag Sex, Solarpunk, To Be Edited, Work Poverty, communal living, sex as payment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-02-06
Updated: 2009-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-26 15:00:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23141722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sameshima_Shuzumi/pseuds/Linedragon
Summary: You know the economy's bad when...
Relationships: Ducky Mallard & Everyone, Jethro Gibbs & Everyone, Jethro Gibbs & NCIS MCRT Team, Original Characters/Original Characters, Ziva David & Anthony DiNozzo & Timothy McGee & Abby Sciuto, Ziva David/Anthony DiNozzo/Timothy McGee/Abby Sciuto
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	Downsizing

**Author's Note:**

> This is rated Mature mostly because of what's being implied, rather than actual depiction. Closer to Gen-Teen.
> 
> Original foreword:  
(Not to make light of anyone's situation, but repeated exposure to Mssrs Stewart and Colbert inspired me. After all, government agencies have to tighten their belts too, right?) Crack-y and an excuse for orgies. 
> 
> 10:57pm | journal mood: silly 
> 
>   
  


Everybody hears the rumors but it doesn't hit home till the morning Gibbs slashes open an envelope and stares at the contents for five minutes straight. 

Tony comes over, mouth automatically going for a cheap shot about Gibbs's reading glasses, but he's concerned and Ziva's leaning over, and McGee actually detaches himself from his computer in time to hear Gibbs say: "They want me to take early retirement."

The dismay puffs out like a mushroom cloud. Soon Abby is hugging, Ducky is arguing, and they're ready to stake Tony's trust fund and Tim's royalties to keep Gibbs.

Gibbs frowns more. He slaps Tony and Tim upside the head. 

"Keep your nest eggs," he advises. "I'm getting a pension. You might not."

Tim gulps. Tony watches Tim gulp, and tunes out Abby's whole spiel about budget deficits and compounding and foreign loans because he know's Probie's done the math.

*

So at first it begins with a deal. They all take pay cuts to keep Gibbs. 

Gibbs is surprised and touched. For about a half a second. The barest hint that they actually like him that much means he has to justify his existence with a renewed level of bastardry. The disappearance of overtime means he gets to ride their asses around the clock. 

Then he gets Ducky, of all people, to assist in rationing their office supplies. They buy their own notebooks and pens, and in Ziva's case, a replacement keyboard. It becomes the painstaking mission to rescue Gibbs's tossed cellphone; Tony has to chase down a garbage truck because the deal's that McGee doesn't schlep if he's gonna spend all night fixing the damage.

The candy machines are taken away. Tony chains his Mighty Mouse stapler to the stair railing.

"It's like the Blitz, dear boy," says Ducky. "Chin up!"

They don't notice the disappearance of vacation days, because they never did before.

The disappearance of health care coverage is slightly more worrisome. Apparently not even Mossad can navigate the current state of American health care, and Ziva insists that there be no assassinations. This time. Unfortunately she needs her appendix out right now, and Abby and McGee have to call in every last favor and commit a half-dozen cybercrimes (and in Tony and Gibbs's case, a misdemeanor) just to get her name switched with Abby's. 

Ziva thanks Abby by wearing pigtails for a month. 

Tim's coverage is cut because he doesn't have enough seniority. Ducky's is scaled back because the new insurance won't cover a man of his age. Then they find out about Tony and the Plague.

The next time they meet in Gibbs's basement, McGee announces that he's hacked the ongoing digitization of medical records so the teammates with coverage can share with the ones going without. Gibbs squints at his HMO card that identifies him as _Palmer, Jim_.

A couple of weeks later, they all get medical bracelets that list their true bloodtype and medical conditions. Hand-engraved. It comes with a sticky note reminding them that they are Not Allowed to get injured at the same time as their coverage-buddy, or Someone's going to shoot them in the ass.

*

Expense accounts shrink.

Gas prices go up. 

Tony plunks three boxes worth of DVD's on McGee's desk, and tells him to burn them to those hard drive thingies. When McGee asks what's in it for him, Tony snarls, "You're not *dead*."

McGee tries to appeal to Gibbs, but he is ignored. McGee gives in when he finds there are four more boxes behind Tony's desk, and Gibbs still hasn't said a word.

It's when Gibbs stumbles over Tony sleeping in the ballistics lab that they figure it out.

"You're living here!" Ziva bursts out.

"I'm paying Abby rent," Tony defends himself. Then he waggles his eyebrows.

Abby waggles hers back.

"Saves on the commute, Boss," Tony adds.

Gibbs sips his coffee. He's got his grinder set up here, and they say he has black market contacts for the beans. After all the official ops and divorces, he's no stranger to tightening his belt. He's never had to lose the belt entirely, though.

There is a long moment as Tony disappears into his sleeping bag and comes back out wearing a new shirt. 

"Okay," says Gibbs. "Okay."

The next weekend, Ziva moves in. The heat's turned off at night, and the team can't afford Tony catching ill. Literally.

*

Abby is busy. Really busy. She's gotten a deal for cheap solar panels so she can run database searches and Autopsy's illegal toaster oven. She's rigged all the showers to conserve water, increased the fuel efficiency of their vehicles, and has turned all the vans into mobile homes. (Like Transformers, only more practical.) Rumor has it she's working on a laundry room in the stairwells.

So she has a complete and utter meltdown when the word comes down that Homeland Security is dissolving NCIS.

Only Tim manages to calm her down. "Abby, that means we'll be off the grid. You can put in that dance floor."

It makes sense and it doesn't make sense and she buys it. Even when they give her another lab at the Pentagon. 

(Tim feels so guilty he tries to synthesize Caff-Pow.)

(Abby switches to coffee.)

*

The audit of the ex-NCIS building takes longer than expected. Mainly because more agents have followed the MCRT's lead and started squatting at their desks, in the hallways, in the gym. It helps that the security cameras are out. Ducky hedges their bets by contacting all his old medical examiner pals to forestall any raids. Agents are reassigned, but they _live in the building_, and thus ex-NCIS limps on.

Somehow it gets around the establishment that this was all Gibbs's idea. The fact that he acts pretty damn pleased about it doesn't help his cause. When Ziva takes the opportunity to defect, the powers-that-be summon Gibbs in lieu of an armed standoff.

Gibbs does two things. 

He shows up with a divorce lawyer who owes him one. They roll out the accounting, and prove that (ex-)NCIS is not only operating within this year's target budget, they're within budget for three years from now. A committee member attempts to question what looks like a restroom full of tomato plants. Gibbs glares till he shuts up. 

The second thing Gibbs does is he drives back to (ex-)NCIS, rounds up all the personnel, pulls up a map, and tells them if he catches anybody violating Rule 12 outside _these_ designated areas, he's going to confiscate their clothes for a week. 

They put two and two together. 

It's all cheers and paper-punch confetti till Castellanos and Silverman have to walk around buck naked in the middle of winter. (Rick's in HR but Pat's in Fraud, which makes for one awkward video-conference with a bank official.)

*

The Pentagon makes Abby keep regular hours, so afterwards she just goes back to NCIS and does more labwork. They don't dare fire her, but they're not paying her enough, either.

Abby is compensated in other ways.

They're in the middle of joining their sleeping bags when Ducky walks in. There is embarrassment and sweaty limbs all around till Ducky waves it off. "This is what we did during the Blitz, my dears. Brings back old memories. Now, what was I here to do...? Oh yes, speaking of the Blitz, Agent Monroe has figured out how to make room for the wine bottles."

Tony tries to pop out of the sleeping bags the same time as Tim tries to hide, so there is some slipping and giggling till Ziva gasps: "Ducky, Tony says he *loves* the Blitz!"

Ducky just sits by the ongoing fingerprint scan and sips his merlot. "That's what I've said all this time."

*

They never do put in that dance floor.

The agents with families have resisted the whole thing from the beginning. Matters come to a head on the day the new tax code comes out. Unless they have alternate sources of income, they have no choice. It's move in or quit.

Gibbs pulls his team off the rotation for a week.

"Blueprints," he orders. He tweaks his finger around the squadroom.

Hours later they're at Gibbs's house. He's still hanging on to his residence. He's rarely home, and when he is, he only needs enough power for one lantern, so the rolling blackouts rarely apply to him. That, and Abby still needs a home address to eBay their obsolete stuff. 

(They've also each discovered _how_ exactly Gibbs likes his privacy, which is to say on a very sturdy handmade bed.)

The blueprint is rolled out. Gibbs takes a marker and draws a fat line from brick wall to brick wall, then another from exit to exit. 

"That's my desk, Boss," Tony says in a pained tone.

Ziva says curiously, "You want to cut off Interrogation?"

"Nah, just so the dirtbags don't mix with the general population," Gibbs says. 

Then he brings out the blueprint he's already got: the second floor.

*

Daycare opens the following week. It's not like there's a director to object, and Gibbs points out that they've got bigger problems if a five-year-old can breach MTAC. Navigating to the holding cells takes some getting used to, but the new wall makes the way fairly dark and circuitous and more enjoyable for certain interrogators. Ziva even haggled for a good deal on bulletproof building materials. (She swears there were no actual bullets involved.)

Abby makes sugarless lollipops for Ducky and Palmer to dispense on their pediatric "house-calls." 

Tony becomes the official unofficial movie rental guy. Tim rips off copies of video games, and sets up a mini-network so only the ones who've done their homework can play.

Some of the older dependents are less than thrilled, till it's pointed out that living in a federal building might count for college credit. 

Gibbs gets back by 2030 each night. He gets all the little kids' teeth brushed, tucks them in, and tells them a story.

By 2100 he's stomping into the squadroom, hollering for a status report.

*

A few months later, Gibbs is called to testify before Congress. He calls in a few favors to leave his team out of it. On the way in, he stops by the drugstore, and calls McGee to update him on their dynamically updating grocery list. (Tim is so worried that he doesn't point out that the list scrolls through Gibbs's cellphone.)

Gibbs faces down the committee. Lawyers, every last one of them. He's beginning to second-guess not bringing back-up. There's a mini tent city in MTAC, the loading bay now accepts fresh-caught seafood, and they're putting solar cookers on the roof. The stairwells are full of rope-and-tackle clotheslines; the elevators that aren't conference rooms are now the (ex-)NCIS equivalent of love motels.

He fidgets. He is most certainly not prepared to explain what goes on in the Forensics Lab, nor the rising expenditure for the 'Latex' line-item. Some days, he doesn't get it either.

Then the head guy stops paging through his notes. "Agent Gibbs, if you would please explain to this committee how your Homeland Security division actually _turned a profit_...?"

It's a trickle, then a flood: Gibbs *smiles*. 

*

*

*

"You want us to do _what_?"

**Author's Note:**

> Unauthorized duplication and distribution prohibited, canon is not mine, fanwork is not an endorsement of canon. Hereabouts in 2020, I've still got archiving difficulties, but I thought this would be a good time to effort a throwback from 2009. And no, pocket historians, this particular downturn was not the President's fault; no one had even stolen his shoelaces yet.
> 
> Archival notes: NEED LJ AND INJ LINKS Also further documentation needed on recs, the confirmed finder post, and ... why is there fanfic being passed around on FB? Oh that's right, the surveillance state wasn't a meme back then. Please don't. Chat referenced in comments is #yuletide, and I do not recall that particular infection, even though the chatlog is probably around somewhere and the plausibility looks rather poor. 
> 
> Thanks for reading
> 
> ### Downsizing
> 
> Old Comments as of 2020 ♥ ♥ ♥ !  
(my replies redacted)
> 
> 2009 spring  
l from 99.156.--.--  
Bwah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah!
> 
> You win the Internets. This was wonderful.
> 
> s from 98.247.--.--  
Oh Dear Sweet Holy Hera's Handbags, this is *priceless*! :}
> 
> p from 61.62.--.--  
This? Is sososo awesome!!!!! You win all!
> 
> m from 70.16.--.--  
You know what I love best? The little tidbits like
> 
>   
_Ziva thanks Abby by wearing pigtails for a month. and Ducky just sits by the ongoing fingerprint scan and sips his merlot... _
> 
> and the quite awesome-- Gibb's wait for it - **smile** \o/
> 
> s from 129.2.--.--  
Ooh, very amusing and awesome.
> 
> -S____
> 
> s from 98.224.--.--  
[personal details redacted]  
Gibbs and all the munchkins is adorable! So so adorable. <3
> 
> k from 71.51.--.--  
ROFLMAO!!!!
> 
> a from 72.92--.--  
any fic that has gibbs glaring at bureaucrats is a+ in my book! but more specifically, i love the little details. (i kinda really wanna see ziva in pigtails as thanks to abby.) also, i approve of the sleeping arranements. teamlove ftw!
> 
> from 9th October 2009
> 
> l from 66.92.--.--  
OMG this was fantastic. Someone just searched for it on a community I read and it looked so interesting I had to follow the link.
> 
> As someone put it earlier in the comments, priceless indeed.
> 
> Great crack, you can be my dealer any day.
> 
> f from 86.153.--.--  
followed a link also, made me smile, thank you
> 
> t from 64.12--.--  
As a former government worker, the sad thing is that this isn't that farfetched if we had continued spiraling into and through our recent recession, fast approaching another worldwide depression.
> 
> j from 85.200.--.--  
'blink blink' - 'rereading'  
wow - this is... wow - know I didnt get all the innuendo:P but this was... hilarious and soooooooo fun to read:D hope for more, soon. :D truly a magnificent story thats already made me laugh... a lot.  
thank you.
> 
> h from 67.87.--.--  
*loves on the shu*
> 
> Even if you did give chat ebola.
> 
> 2010 spring  
a from 68.228.--.--  
I just found this piece and gotta say I love it! Funny thing is I not only was I a kid during the seventies when money was tight for everybody but I also grew up addicted to SciFi and Fantasy so by the time I got to college in the late eighties I would look at the campus buildings and try to figure out how many families could make their homes in them. I'd plan vegetable gardens for rooftops and laundries in stairwells so this fic really hits my imagination button.
> 
> g from 98.245.--.-- **OTP like whoa**  
you = WIN
> 
> anon [deleted comment as of 2020]  
Just discovered this little gem of a tale...fantastically brilliant!
> 
> f from 85.84.--.--  
there's just no beating Gibbs and the Gibblets - lol
> 
> s from 86.150.--.--  
This is hilarious! Well done.
> 
> m from 71.248.--.--  
brb lolling forever.
> 
> you, dear user, are awesomesauce.
> 
> 2011 January  
l from 98.151.--.--  
*giggles* Gibbs could actually do that.
> 
> Love ya
> 
> 2014 August  
anon from 62.99.--.--  
Just found and read this thanks to a rec on FB. Great crack fic!!


End file.
